Two week break from studying and classes yet all I have done is fight and argue with everyone I love in my life. Trying so hard to obtain some sort of perfection that I seem to think that I can attain by not doing this or that. Is that for real? Is it supposed to hurt the ones you love and care about? Should it hurt me as well? Nuts! I don’t know if I am coming or going. Placing all these demands on others to help alleviate my plate. It only comes off like whining and complaining so where is the good in that?
It is righteousness I am after. It is closeness with God.. It is a relationship that has nothing between it. I am seeking the life that God has for me. With this must come sacrifice to self. I don’t have to be mean to others but if the life that I am currently in is a wrong life and it involves others that aren’t going in the same direction, then yes, it will cause pain.
Truth is, I don’t know what I have been doing for the past 5 years. Pretending that God didn’t see. Maybe I have been testing his love and forgiveness for me because I truly have went all the way around the mountain with a ton of golden calves before me that I sure did get on my knees to. Anything that we choose over God becomes an idol. Anything that causes us to sin becomes an idol. Though God’s forgiveness is as far as the East is to the West, we are to be holy as God is holy. We are to seek his will, his righteousness, and his relationship. Jesus never fretted about the cares of the world, where he would sleep, what he would eat, or how to pay taxes. He just went. It’s funny, I realize that I can’t make a move without figuring everything out 6 ways til Sunday. I seem to think that I know better than God when it comes to all of my cares.
After all that I have endured, one would think that I would have learned by know that I can trust God and HE is faithful. He never leaves. He never changes. He always loves. There is nothing that I can do to please him aside from surrendering all.
Those things that have such a hold on my life continue to try to keep their claws in me. But it is written that God will never give me more than I can handle. He will never leave or forsake me. He will provide a way out for me every time. He will lift me up and place my feet on solid rock. He will come down from heaven and pull me from the muck and the mire to put me on high ground.
Sometimes just typing it, or writing it when you aren’t in a position to yell it at the top of your lungs helps to remind you what you are doing here. Reminds you that the blood, Jesus’ blood completes all. There is nothing else that I can do. He has already done it all. He has already redeemed me.
Thank you Jesus for your blood, your love and your patience with me. You have placed your light inside me, please have your way.